Changing Places

My wonderful husband took my out for a great day at Disneyland yesterday - what a nice anniversary present! It was great just to get away for the day and enjoy the park with no kids whining to do what they wnated to do, just be able to go at our own pace and do what we wanted. Also saw the new California Adventure - interesting and a good coaster ride, but certainly not worth an extra admission. A new “land” perhaps, but it wasn’t worthy of being a whole new park. Well, perhaps they will figure this out, in time.

19 years of marriage today.

Still not doing well with being alone. A bit better with reaching out, and asking for people to be there for me. This was a tough week, and I don’t see them getting much easier, although Tom seems to think I am doing better.

I am struggling so much with all of this. I just want to get through it and be over it, and I’m afraid that will never happen and I will always have to fight iit. It’s just such a hard thing to fight….

Starry night, dark roads
A long walk and home again
Drifting into sleep….

I wonder why people get upset at being called selfish when they haven’t spoken to me in months or years. DO they think I should think of them in some other way? It’s pretty hard to have a dialog with someone who does such a thorough job of shutting you out of their life. And then objects to being called selfish and uncaring for it.

Huh. I give up trying to understand people. At least, those who insist on living on their own planet, and being unwilling to share it with the rest of us.

I spend most of my time lately wishing I were not me - wishing I didn’t have to go through every day feeling depressed and anxious, wondering what in the world I can do or could be doing, trying to find a way to get back to feeling good again and to doing something productive and useful with my lfie again. I am tired of depression, boredom, feeling alone, feeling hurt and angry over friends who have left me alone to deal with all the impact of how they treated me by myslef, refusing to talk with me to work things out with them as if that is some acceptable means of dealing with people, and in general, just feeling hurt and used and annoyed at much of life for not showing some kindness and compassion and caring.

I think those who cannot understand that is why we are here need to grow up.

I gotta find me a job…. I am so tired of not having work in my life. I need to have something to do…. Maybe I need to develop a better way of looking for work, none of the ways I know of are succeeding for me.

This all-pervasive loneliness is really beginning to eat me up. I don’t know what to do to stop it or how to get over it. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to do anything to get beyond feeling so alone.

skies are still a bit cloudy and breezy and the air is cool. Not raining though. I am a bit on edge and very much still bored with life and wondering what to do with me.

More rain today. I wouldn’t mind the rain so much, but the gray and cold are getting to me. I want some sunshine and warm!!!!

Well, we mailed all our money to the thieves at the fed and state today. I guess we get to be broke for a while again.

It sucks to live in a country that takes so much of what you earn away from
you. And gives so little in return.

Cloudy, windy and cool today. I guess it is a good thing for the garden.

The roses are blooming beautifully and putting on quite a show right now.
But it is a bit difficult to enjoy them in the rain. Still I guess we should be grateful for what we get, since we get so little of it here.

Still no answers on what to do with myself. I am tired of trying to figure this out.

Just got back from a nice visit to Colorado - mostly to Pueblo to visit my brother, with a stop in Denver to visit old friends. The only glitch in the trip was losing an engine on the flight home out of Denver - had to return to the airport and change planes, but it was handled well and went pretty smoothly all things considered, with only about a two hour delay.

Seeing my brother’s family again was good, hadn’t seen them for several years. All in all, a really good trip.

Still leaning far more to the side of nothingness than being, and not enjoying it very much. I really want to be getting out into the world and doing things again, and I have no idea what I want to be doing. It’s all very frustrating. The loneliness and boredon are really getting to me.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendship. I’ve lost several good friends in the last few years due to various conflicts and in every case, they basically stopped talking to me. I find it very hurtful and very strange. One interesting thing about each of them is they have no children, and two of them grew up in families where their father either died young or left the family due to divorce. I wonder if the lack of seeing how conflicts are resolved between people is really what makes the difference in being able to handle and resolve conflict within a frienship or in any relationship for that matter. The other friend is from a family where things seem to have been pretty normal so I am not sure what here excuse would be.

Mostly I fins it strange to lose friends and still care so much about them. I wonder if I am normal to love people as deeply and intensely as I do.

Back to the what to do question that seems to haunt my life laterly. I have no idea what to do with myself, short or long term. Planning an afternoon is daunting, doing a job search is daunting, everything is daunting. I just don’t seem to have a fucking clue about anything at all right now and in the meantime I am just going stir crazy with trying to fill my days and it all just seems so meaningless and hopeless. This is getting really, really, old and I am just not sure what the fuck to do about it all.

I guess I feel like the fool on the hill lately, watching the world go by and wondering what I ought to do about it. Perhaps just pick a point somewhere where I feel I coould do some small amount of good somewhere and jump in. Maybe that is the best that any of us can really hope for, after all.