Changing Places

Well, I have a job of sorts now volunteering with the Red Cross starting next week, hopefully that will help me feel some purpose in my life again. I’ve sent lots of resumes for SQA jobs and such, but nothing comes back. Very frustrating. And I still have the problem of how to fill my time on my own – just can’t seem to think of what to do, or sometimes why to do it if I do think of something.

Ordered some books on depression rom Amazon, maybe they will help. Talk therapy doesn’t seem to do much for me, but the new “cocktail” of drugs seems to be helping more. At least I feel more coherent and together than I have for a while. But there is still an edginess to it that slips into the depression at times.

Finally felt relatively good yesterday – the lamictal seems to be helping a lot.
Today was still tough to get going, but I’m feeling better than I have in some time. Some job prospects and more things to do would help a lot, though. But I don’t feel the anxiety about it that I was feeling before – it is more calm in my head right now.

And yesterday morning was great. ;^)

Watched Almost Famous tonight…good flick. Lots to say about what it takes to live life in the fast lane of musicians and groupies, and lots of good music, too!

Had lunch at the rock bottom cafe with Pat Wilson and Greg Rose and Tom – it was nice to see them again, although kind of distressing for Greg that he has suffered a broken leg. Hope he recovers quickly…

I feel like I’m no longer at rock bottom myself, but certainly not doing great either. I have a great deal of trouble dealing with my alone time, both finding things to do and also just being by myself are very difficult for me still. I don’t really understand either of these things. I used to enjoy alone time and was pretty good at finding things to do with my time. I feel like I am learning to do these things all over again.

The sense of loss and isolation I feel is overpowering at times. It is probably the most painful of the things I feel, even more so than the depression itself, which really is more of a just not caring about anything feeling. The sense of loss is in caring so mcuh about the things and people I have lost from my life and how much that hurts. And knowing I can’t get those things and people back again. I try again and again to move on, and sometimes think I’ve succeeded, only to be blindsided by it all once again when I least expect it. Well, one more day…

Is my life half over or half started? Sometimes I feel like my life is over, sometimes I feel like I am starting a new one all over again, barely learning to walk much less able to run my life. I feel like I have forgotten how to do everything – how to think of things to do, how to plan, how to act on thoughts and ideas, how to get through my days and fill in the hours that seem so empty in them right now.

I know so much of this is the depression, is the disease, is this chemical imbalance that I’m trying to learn to deal with and somehow get control of, and yet it feels like there is so little I can do. I get assurances I am coping better, doing better, but I fall, and stumble, and sometimes just give up in exhaustion. And get up the next day and do it all over again – learning from scratch once more….

Been reading a lot of Christopher Moore lately – an advance copy of Fluke loaned from Kristin (thanks!) and Coyote Blue from the library. Good stuff… reminds me of early Tom Robbins stuff.

Nothing to wake you up in the morning like a spider joining you for your morning shower on your towel….

Found a strawberry guava plant of all things at the Escondido Street Fair today after looking without success for one at nurseries for the past year. How funny.

with my life
with my days
with my hours
with me?

What DO I do????????

perhaps what is most bothering me is being forced to take all this time that has been placed upon me and actually notice it. I can’t just use the business of work and other activities and barrel through the days at full speed. I have to plod through my days slowly and so many times painfully slowly, feeling how much time there actually is. And many times it really does hurt….

the may gray continues without a break it seems – more than I remember seeing in a long time. The rust on the roses has gotten pretty bad this year with the cool cloudy weather. I am really hoping for more sunshine.

Took the kids to see X2 twice and they are looking forward to Matrix Reloaded. I hope they won’t be upset by the middle of a trilogy aspect of it – at least it isn’t too long a wait for the third part.

My mood continues to be up and down, mostly down. Coping a bit better but not *feeling* much better. I don’t cry all the time but I am eaten up by not knowing what to do and feeling so anxious about it all.

Went to see Confidence – pretty good movie with some interesting plot twists and turns. Definitely worth seeing.

Found this at Shambhala Sun Online today and it made a lot of sense to me:

Cool Loneliness

Less Desire
Contentment
Avoiding Unnecessary Activities
Complete Discipline (stay in the present moment)
Not wandering in the world of desire
touch the chatter (thoughts) and let it go

You have to read the whole article for it to make sense, but it really helped me deal with the loneliness I’ve been feeling.

The main thing that seems so different going through this battle with depression is I am so lonely. I haven’t ever really been bothered by loneliness that much in my life – I always sort of liked being alone. But now I want people around to be with and talk to and there is so seldom anyone available – it is very difficult. And I find the internet, which used to be a link to th eworld for me, is really not a replacement – I physically want people with me. I go out to various places just to be around people but the interaction and connection with others is really not the same. Strangely, sometimes even when I am with people I feel rather disconnected, because they cannot really feel the things I feel and the deep need I have for them. It is all so hard…

The inspiration continues – the chef is making spaghetti for dinner!

Yippee!

Can we bake cookies?
Sure, go ahead – have fun kid
Thirteen and a chef….

What does it mean to love people so deeply that you still care for them even though they have hurt you and walked away, never to speak to you again? To love and care about them anyway – does life give us any more than that? The chance to be fully human – loving and forgiving, fully able to feel in the depths of our souls that people are deserving of love even in spite of their lack of concern for us….

Saw Vienna Teng last night at Twiggs and really enjoyed her performance. Thanks to Kristin for the tip.

The May gray is heavy today – coming down in sheets of rain. Well, it will be good for the garden.

My mood is still as gray as the day is. The increase in dosage doesn’t seem to make any difference. I really don’t know what will. I am trying to believe somehow I will get through this and find some happiness again, but it seems very elusive. The constant veil over my emotions is very hard to deal with.

Welcome to May. Flowers blooming everywhere, and it’s all very beautiful here.

Roses, of course, and many other plants in full bloom. The guara (whirling butterflies) is putting on a very nice show.

I am upping the dosage (upping the voltage, as I call it) on my medications and so I guess we’ll see if that helps. I still feel as if I am walking the edge of a deep abyss. There isn’t a lot I can do about it other than simply hang on and hope for the best, I guess.