Monthly Archives: April 2003

Disneyland Day

My wonderful husband took my out for a great day at Disneyland yesterday – what a nice anniversary present! It was great just to get away for the day and enjoy the park with no kids whining to do what they wnated to do, just be able to go at our own pace and do what we wanted. Also saw the new California Adventure – interesting and a good coaster ride, but certainly not worth an extra admission. A new “land” perhaps, but it wasn’t worthy of being a whole new park. Well, perhaps they will figure this out, in time.

Struggling along….

Still not doing well with being alone. A bit better with reaching out, and asking for people to be there for me. This was a tough week, and I don’t see them getting much easier, although Tom seems to think I am doing better.

I am struggling so much with all of this. I just want to get through it and be over it, and I’m afraid that will never happen and I will always have to fight iit. It’s just such a hard thing to fight….


I wonder why people get upset at being called selfish when they haven’t spoken to me in months or years. DO they think I should think of them in some other way? It’s pretty hard to have a dialog with someone who does such a thorough job of shutting you out of their life. And then objects to being called selfish and uncaring for it.

Huh. I give up trying to understand people. At least, those who insist on living on their own planet, and being unwilling to share it with the rest of us.

dreaming of not being me

I spend most of my time lately wishing I were not me – wishing I didn’t have to go through every day feeling depressed and anxious, wondering what in the world I can do or could be doing, trying to find a way to get back to feeling good again and to doing something productive and useful with my lfie again. I am tired of depression, boredom, feeling alone, feeling hurt and angry over friends who have left me alone to deal with all the impact of how they treated me by myslef, refusing to talk with me to work things out with them as if that is some acceptable means of dealing with people, and in general, just feeling hurt and used and annoyed at much of life for not showing some kindness and compassion and caring.

I think those who cannot understand that is why we are here need to grow up.

find me a job!

I gotta find me a job…. I am so tired of not having work in my life. I need to have something to do…. Maybe I need to develop a better way of looking for work, none of the ways I know of are succeeding for me.


This all-pervasive loneliness is really beginning to eat me up. I don’t know what to do to stop it or how to get over it. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to do anything to get beyond feeling so alone.

clearing but cool

skies are still a bit cloudy and breezy and the air is cool. Not raining though. I am a bit on edge and very much still bored with life and wondering what to do with me.