Monthly Archives: April 2003

taxes suck

Well, we mailed all our money to the thieves at the fed and state today. I guess we get to be broke for a while again.

It sucks to live in a country that takes so much of what you earn away from
you. And gives so little in return.

april showers

Cloudy, windy and cool today. I guess it is a good thing for the garden.

The roses are blooming beautifully and putting on quite a show right now.
But it is a bit difficult to enjoy them in the rain. Still I guess we should be grateful for what we get, since we get so little of it here.

Still no answers on what to do with myself. I am tired of trying to figure this out.

rocky mountain high…..

Just got back from a nice visit to Colorado – mostly to Pueblo to visit my brother, with a stop in Denver to visit old friends. The only glitch in the trip was losing an engine on the flight home out of Denver – had to return to the airport and change planes, but it was handled well and went pretty smoothly all things considered, with only about a two hour delay.

Seeing my brother’s family again was good, hadn’t seen them for several years. All in all, a really good trip.

being and nothingness

Still leaning far more to the side of nothingness than being, and not enjoying it very much. I really want to be getting out into the world and doing things again, and I have no idea what I want to be doing. It’s all very frustrating. The loneliness and boredon are really getting to me.

Friendship

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendship. I’ve lost several good friends in the last few years due to various conflicts and in every case, they basically stopped talking to me. I find it very hurtful and very strange. One interesting thing about each of them is they have no children, and two of them grew up in families where their father either died young or left the family due to divorce. I wonder if the lack of seeing how conflicts are resolved between people is really what makes the difference in being able to handle and resolve conflict within a frienship or in any relationship for that matter. The other friend is from a family where things seem to have been pretty normal so I am not sure what here excuse would be.

Mostly I fins it strange to lose friends and still care so much about them. I wonder if I am normal to love people as deeply and intensely as I do.

what to do

Back to the what to do question that seems to haunt my life laterly. I have no idea what to do with myself, short or long term. Planning an afternoon is daunting, doing a job search is daunting, everything is daunting. I just don’t seem to have a fucking clue about anything at all right now and in the meantime I am just going stir crazy with trying to fill my days and it all just seems so meaningless and hopeless. This is getting really, really, old and I am just not sure what the fuck to do about it all.

day after day….

I guess I feel like the fool on the hill lately, watching the world go by and wondering what I ought to do about it. Perhaps just pick a point somewhere where I feel I coould do some small amount of good somewhere and jump in. Maybe that is the best that any of us can really hope for, after all.