Monthly Archives: May 2003

hanging in there…

Well, I have a job of sorts now volunteering with the Red Cross starting next week, hopefully that will help me feel some purpose in my life again. I’ve sent lots of resumes for SQA jobs and such, but nothing comes back. Very frustrating. And I still have the problem of how to fill my time on my own – just can’t seem to think of what to do, or sometimes why to do it if I do think of something.

Ordered some books on depression rom Amazon, maybe they will help. Talk therapy doesn’t seem to do much for me, but the new “cocktail” of drugs seems to be helping more. At least I feel more coherent and together than I have for a while. But there is still an edginess to it that slips into the depression at times.

finally…

Finally felt relatively good yesterday – the lamictal seems to be helping a lot.
Today was still tough to get going, but I’m feeling better than I have in some time. Some job prospects and more things to do would help a lot, though. But I don’t feel the anxiety about it that I was feeling before – it is more calm in my head right now.

And yesterday morning was great. ;^)

Almost Famous…

Watched Almost Famous tonight…good flick. Lots to say about what it takes to live life in the fast lane of musicians and groupies, and lots of good music, too!

rock bottom cafe

Had lunch at the rock bottom cafe with Pat Wilson and Greg Rose and Tom – it was nice to see them again, although kind of distressing for Greg that he has suffered a broken leg. Hope he recovers quickly…

I feel like I’m no longer at rock bottom myself, but certainly not doing great either. I have a great deal of trouble dealing with my alone time, both finding things to do and also just being by myself are very difficult for me still. I don’t really understand either of these things. I used to enjoy alone time and was pretty good at finding things to do with my time. I feel like I am learning to do these things all over again.

The sense of loss and isolation I feel is overpowering at times. It is probably the most painful of the things I feel, even more so than the depression itself, which really is more of a just not caring about anything feeling. The sense of loss is in caring so mcuh about the things and people I have lost from my life and how much that hurts. And knowing I can’t get those things and people back again. I try again and again to move on, and sometimes think I’ve succeeded, only to be blindsided by it all once again when I least expect it. Well, one more day…

half over or half started…

Is my life half over or half started? Sometimes I feel like my life is over, sometimes I feel like I am starting a new one all over again, barely learning to walk much less able to run my life. I feel like I have forgotten how to do everything – how to think of things to do, how to plan, how to act on thoughts and ideas, how to get through my days and fill in the hours that seem so empty in them right now.

I know so much of this is the depression, is the disease, is this chemical imbalance that I’m trying to learn to deal with and somehow get control of, and yet it feels like there is so little I can do. I get assurances I am coping better, doing better, but I fall, and stumble, and sometimes just give up in exhaustion. And get up the next day and do it all over again – learning from scratch once more….

taking time

perhaps what is most bothering me is being forced to take all this time that has been placed upon me and actually notice it. I can’t just use the business of work and other activities and barrel through the days at full speed. I have to plod through my days slowly and so many times painfully slowly, feeling how much time there actually is. And many times it really does hurt….