Monthly Archives: May 2003

may gray all day today…

the may gray continues without a break it seems – more than I remember seeing in a long time. The rust on the roses has gotten pretty bad this year with the cool cloudy weather. I am really hoping for more sunshine.

Took the kids to see X2 twice and they are looking forward to Matrix Reloaded. I hope they won’t be upset by the middle of a trilogy aspect of it – at least it isn’t too long a wait for the third part.

My mood continues to be up and down, mostly down. Coping a bit better but not *feeling* much better. I don’t cry all the time but I am eaten up by not knowing what to do and feeling so anxious about it all.

cool loneliness

Found this at Shambhala Sun Online today and it made a lot of sense to me:

Cool Loneliness

Less Desire
Avoiding Unnecessary Activities
Complete Discipline (stay in the present moment)
Not wandering in the world of desire
touch the chatter (thoughts) and let it go

You have to read the whole article for it to make sense, but it really helped me deal with the loneliness I’ve been feeling.

only the lonely

The main thing that seems so different going through this battle with depression is I am so lonely. I haven’t ever really been bothered by loneliness that much in my life – I always sort of liked being alone. But now I want people around to be with and talk to and there is so seldom anyone available – it is very difficult. And I find the internet, which used to be a link to th eworld for me, is really not a replacement – I physically want people with me. I go out to various places just to be around people but the interaction and connection with others is really not the same. Strangely, sometimes even when I am with people I feel rather disconnected, because they cannot really feel the things I feel and the deep need I have for them. It is all so hard…

loving too much?

What does it mean to love people so deeply that you still care for them even though they have hurt you and walked away, never to speak to you again? To love and care about them anyway – does life give us any more than that? The chance to be fully human – loving and forgiving, fully able to feel in the depths of our souls that people are deserving of love even in spite of their lack of concern for us….

May Gray

The May gray is heavy today – coming down in sheets of rain. Well, it will be good for the garden.

My mood is still as gray as the day is. The increase in dosage doesn’t seem to make any difference. I really don’t know what will. I am trying to believe somehow I will get through this and find some happiness again, but it seems very elusive. The constant veil over my emotions is very hard to deal with.

May Day

Welcome to May. Flowers blooming everywhere, and it’s all very beautiful here.

Roses, of course, and many other plants in full bloom. The guara (whirling butterflies) is putting on a very nice show.

I am upping the dosage (upping the voltage, as I call it) on my medications and so I guess we’ll see if that helps. I still feel as if I am walking the edge of a deep abyss. There isn’t a lot I can do about it other than simply hang on and hope for the best, I guess.