Monthly Archives: November 2006

My baby is 21 today!

Happy Birthday, Jonathan!

(he’s busy playing Guitar Heroes 2, his birthday present, before he heads off to six hours of class today… and it’s raining, which he always likes. So I guess that’s kind of a birthday present for him, too! I remember the day after he was born, having turkey broth and jello in the hospital as my Thanksgiving dinner after the C-section delivery, and watching the rain outside the window. Hard to believe that cute little 8 pound baby is now a six foot tall 230 pound man, but there it is!)

Taking Gifts

Reading Christina Baldwin’s “Life’s Companion” right now, trying to get some inspiration to begin journaling again. I don’t really consider my blog as a journal, since I write knowing it’s for public consumption. My journal is different – the writings are more private, more inwardly directed. But I am struck by this thought on guidance that I’m reading now:

“What gifts might the universe be trying to give you that you’re not taking?”

I’m sitting here with family right now, feeling a bit annoyed since the husband is sick, the sister-in-law is napping, my sons are involved in planning for their role playing games, the parent-in-laws are basically ignoring everyone and watching TV, so I read blogs and pick up my book to read. And this question hits me. Is there something here, now, that the universe is trying to give me? A greater patience and tolerance? A chance to connect, in those rare moments these people actually are awake and aware instead of absorbed in television? We shared a meal, and yet, no one really connected, we all seemed to eat separately and not really together. It felt strange. And yet, they seem to appreciate having family around, even while ignoring them, just as my mom used to.

I wonder at the strangeness in this, since when I have guests in my house, I’m absorbed in them, involved in their lives, with heightened awareness of their presence. Perhaps the gift is just to observe, to take note, to know better how to interact, how not to ignore those around me, and not let a television dominate the day and our lives – or my keyboard, for that matter.

Then again, I’m the one who has been out walking the dog today, greeting the neighbors, observing the beauty of an Arizona sunset, the one thing I truly miss about living here. I’m the one taking care of things, cleaning up things, making sure there is some sense of order. Maybe the universe wants me to be aware of how things are working, keep them moving. Perhaps the gift is an awareness of how chaotic life is for these people, how difficult it is just to keep things cleaned up and moving along.

I watch my mother-in-law wait on my father-in-law, and with my husband sick, find myself resenting my own role in having to play caretaker for him. I have felt so often lately that sense that no one is really taking care of me these days, other than me. I find myself looking for something from other people, some sense of others wanting to take care of me, and I don’t find it. But I trust the universe to take care of me, and me to take care of myself, and perhaps that is enough – for now.

But I see and feel a warning, an ominous sense of foreboding over the coming years. I want to be on an equal basis with someone, not the caretaker of someone, not fetching pie or yet another drink for my spouse who won’t get up to get his own food or drink. I just can’t envision myself in that future. And yet, it feels like we are headed that way today. Maybe the gift is in the warning I feel, maybe a sign that I need to look for someone to better care for and fulfill my own needs, instead of me always having to give up my own needs for someone else.

Lots of thoughts, but few answers today. Perhaps over time, it will become more clear.