Butts expand to fill available space…

OK, my 30 year high school reunion is in a month. I’ve known this since December, so did I bother to lose weight? No, of course not. I haven’t even been to the gym in months. Self-sabotage, I suppose. Anyway, now my butt has decided to expand to gargantuan proportions. Normally, I know I have a big butt and celebrate it, but right now, (squeezing into my size 12 jeans when I really ought to be putting on my 14s, but I’m mad at myself and I WILL wear these jeans, damn it!) I’m a bit pissed off at myself. WHY haven’t I gone to the gym? Because I feel like crap, because I haven’t been going to the gym.

I know, I’m in rant mode this week and being pissed at myself mode, but – I’m tired of this. I’m tired of all the excuses for all the things I don’t do that I know I need to do.

Gah. I was actually in shape, once. Played soccer, even, until I had kids. Even then, I worked out, stayed in shape most of the time, except for those years I was really depressed and out of things. Even now, I know it’s not that bad, that there are hard muscles under there from Pilates and yoga, but they are not as strong as they once were, and that bothers me. My back hurts, because the back and stomach muscles aren’t supporting it correctly.
I know this, and I know how to fix it – but I don’t do it.

It’s infuriating. Yes, I lost my fantastic yoga teacher and it bummed me out, yes, I have Japanese class taking up my workout time, yes, there are a million excuses – but – I want my body back, damn it. Yes, I could use a workout partner, a personal trainer, a buddy to make me go, whatever. I want to stop with the excuses and go to the gym and work out and get in shape, I really do.

But, I don’t….