San Diego has once again gone from mild, beautiful weather to really hot dry days. The Santa Ana conditions are so hard on the plants – and on us. Just when we get used to enjoying our usual lovely days, we get a heat wave that sucks the life out of us, and we all just want to find a cool spot and sit.
I guess in a lot of ways, I’ve been sitting in my cool spot for a long time now. I haven’t been social at all, haven’t really felt the need to work or do much of anything. I suppose a lot of this relates to my mom’s death, and the uncertainty of the situation with my nephew and sister right now. But I am at last feeling the stirrings of that need to do something, to get out again and find work and friendship and interaction with the world as a whole again. My problem, whenever I come to this point, is what direction to follow. Sometimes that direction will come to me, sometimes I have to search really hard for it. Lacking any inner compulsion to move in a particular direction right now, I’m rather like Buddha just sitting under my tree, waiting for life to come to me.
The problem is, I’m sure eventually it will, and I haven’t liked the results of that the last few times it has happened. Events like friends betrayal and the death of others are not ones we have any control over, and it is difficult to trust the world again and let it lead into new journeys. It isn’t a fear really, more, a tiredness of things. Well, perhaps there is a touch of fear, since I feel those tears coming to my eyes again as I write this. The sadness of loss is so great, perhaps I simply don’t want to feel it again – yet there is always loss in life, no matter how hard we try to avoid it, or deny it as some of those most dear to me have done. I miss them a lot. But I know they aren’t coming back, the dead or the living who have decided their own life is far more important than mine to them.
Anyway, it’s spring, time to grow again – and right now, I’m just wilting a bit in the heat.