painting by Melissa Egan, Parting Ways
You and I assumed forever
When we became companions.
But now, unhappy, you are leaving.
The sky turns to bitter candescence
Unslaked by resignation.
There are times when we have been lucky enough to have companions on our spiritual path, but the time of parting often comes without welcome. When our friends decide to leave, we are often left with doubt, confusion, and sometimes guilt. Anyone may leave the path. They won’t suffer damnation; they will only walk a different path.
The rule for those who follow Tao is this: Walk the path together as long as you can, and when you must part, never hold your companion back.
Should one seek to have no feelings at all regarding friends? After all, the sages constantly warn against attachment. Yet emotion is part of what makes us human. We may understand philosophically why a companion must leave, but we need not deny our feelings as we walk on alone.
This is a difficult topic for me. Parting from friends has caused the most sorrow in my life. Losing my parents was awful, but expected – you know at some point you have to face death. But friends deciding to walk away? Who ever expects that, when we have enjoyed and shared so much together. You think such friendships would last, but then, they don’t, and you are left wondering if you ever really knew that person, or yourself, at all.
For me, those partings were a result of my haiving an illness I was unaware I had – bipolar disorder. I knew my sister and nephew had problems, but I had been told I was fine. Then I had a full-blown bipolar episode after losing a good friend from my life, and realized the past losses were a part of that same pattern – the massive high at their friendship, the obsession over the loss of friendship, and the excessive attempts to restore the friendship were all symptoms of the same illness.
But do others ever understand mental illness? No, not really. They can sympathize, perhaps, but to accept that someone has overcome this beast and welcome them back into their life is beyond most people, I think. The hurts are deep, and forgiveness does not come easily to everyone.
For me, it was a lesson in having compassion towards other people, knowing they are not always fully responsible for the way they act or what happens in their lives. I am far more accepting of others, far more open in many ways. And yet, I have refrained from developing new close friendships, perhaps out of fear of loss, perhaps just because I no longer need the attachments I did in the past.
But I don’t walk my path alone. I have my husband, my friends, my children, my family members, and my kitties and golden retriever (who is an ever-loyal companion). And my feelings towards those I’ve lost as friends are pretty well resolved. The love is still there, the door is always open, but I accept that they won’t be back. Their path is different, and diverges from mine. There are stories I wish I could tell them, questions I would like to ask, but those are wishes, not needs. I have my memories, and my love for them, and that is all I need.
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