My boat strikes something deep.
At first, sounds of silence, waves.
Nothing has happened;
Or perhaps everything has happened
And I am sitting in my new life.
Things are changing, and for the first time in a long time, I am just allowing myself to be open to those changes, instead of trying to direct or control them.
I am finally beginning to understand my feelings about my life … there are not problems I have to solve, I do not have to do anything or fix anything … I do not have to figure out how to make something fit into my life. It is already there, as it has been for so long now. I am moving into a deepening understanding of how I relate to the things in my life, moving past the fears and setbacks I’ve had for years in relating to others, beyond thinking that other people limit what I can do. I think if I simply adopt this attitude towards my life, then everything else can flow. I have been creating obstacles where there simply do not need to be any obstacles at all. I keep trying to contrive reasons for things to happen, when I do not need those contrivances at all. I can just talk to people and be with them, without caring about the results of those conversations. I can be considerate of the needs of others, but I do not need excuses for the actions I choose to take in my own life.
A friend recently asked me how open I really am to change — and that has been exactly my problem. I have written about change for years, I have tried to understand it, define it, learn to cope with it, create it — and yet, somehow, I have never simply been open to change, opened myself up and let myself flow and move with things rather than resist them or think that I “must” do things at a certain time and in a certain way. I had to thank him for defining my need so precisely, for helping me come to terms with this and understand it.
I have wondered for years why I cannot just be in that flow that I feel at times, the wonderful flow of life as it swirls and moves about me and within me. I have tried so often to capture it, to control it, to make it move my way, but of course it does not. The essence of Tao is to simply move along with the flow, to use that flow to foresee where the change comes and when it does come how to move with it, but I still try to resist, to create obstacles, to block the path I know I need to walk. And I simply need to open myself up, to feel what I feel and what those around me feel, acknowledge it and honor it, and yet, move anyway with the flow of life and its guidance along my path.
“Truth is within ourselves; it takes no rise
From outward things, whate’er you may believe.
There is an inmost centre in us all,
Where truth abides in fulness; and around,
Wall upon wall, the gross flesh hems it in,
This perfect, clear perception – which is truth.
A baffling and perverting carnal mesh
Binds it, and makes all error: and to KNOW
Rather consists in opening out a way
Whence the imprisoned splendour may escape,
Than in effecting entry for a light
Supposed to be without.”
From “Paracelsus” by Robert Browning
I have touched upon this idea before, I have danced around it, and sometimes succeeded in really being opened up for a while. But I don’t think I have ever simply trusted in change, simply opened up to it and let it flow without trying to control what happens from it. Now, I feel it. I will feel it for a while, and forget, and must remind myself. This is the path I need to walk.
The key has been turned in that door that is opening within me, and will change everything….