The other is never responsible. Just watch. If you become wise in the moment, there will be no problem. But everybody becomes wise when the moment is gone. Retrospective wisdom is worthless.
When you have done everything — fought and nagged and bitched and then you become wise and see that there was no point in it — it is too late. It is meaningless -– you have already done the harm. This wisdom is just pseudo-wisdom. It gives you a feeling “as if” you have understood. That is a trick of the ego. This wisdom is not going to help. When you are doing the thing, at that very moment, simultaneously, the awareness should arise, and you should see that what you are doing is useless.
If you can see it when it is there, then you cannot do it. One can never go against one’s awareness, and if one goes against it, that awareness is not awareness. Something else is being mistaken for it.
So remember, the other is never responsible for anything. The problem is something boiling within you. And of course the one you love is closest. You cannot throw it on some stranger passing on the road, so the closest person becomes the place where you go on throwing and pouring your nonsense. But that has to be avoided, because love is very fragile. If you do it too much, if you overdo it, love can disappear.
The other is never responsible. Try to make this such a permanent state of awareness in you that whenever you start finding soothing wrong with the other, remember it. Catch yourself red-handed, and drop it then and there. And ask to be forgiven.
The highest good is like water.
Water give life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In daily life, be competent.
In action, be aware of the time and the season.
No fight: No blame.
Tao Te Ching, 8
Most of us tend to divide the world into self and other. Tao encourages us to think of everything as self and nothing as other. That way we are simply flowing with what exists, rather than trying to justify our self against the otherness of the world. If you accept that you are a part of the world, that everything is equal to you, then you have no fight against it. Then what other people do is not your problem.
Of course, others are still going to be fighting for themselves. But you have to realize, that is not your problem, either. Their anger even becomes less important to you, and you simply strive for as much harmony as possible. You’re not going to get along with everyone, however, no matter how much awareness you maintain.
But that’s their problem. Not something to blame them for, however. Just something to recognize and feel compassion for, and deal with as best you can. Lack of awareness is not a crime, just a lack of a useful ability.